just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Ken is short for chicken
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
British websites use biscuits.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety