Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home