Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.