Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My dad.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*