Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?