Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
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It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
me working on my assignments ^-^
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!