Just parrot things
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
jesus, what did this guy do
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
this is what they would have looked like, though