Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists