Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
see you in hell you stupid fruit
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream