just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.