Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
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I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or