Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Breaking news:
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.