Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Are you ok, human???
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
had to make it
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.