Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
welcome back
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?