Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
There are no pants in heaven.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
some things should go without saying