Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
こいつ天才
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.