Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind