Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these