Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
This is the one
I miss this era type of pranks😭
same energy
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”