Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable