@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

You Might Also Like

@Fickle_Filly

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

@truegritrumble

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@perlhack

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

@Tusk8rman

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

@pleatedjeans

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

@theshapeburns

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down