I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Sub-Zero: Ok fine
Scorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.