Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn鈥檛 go to lizard king church. I don鈥檛 even recognize this country anymore.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It鈥檚 so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That鈥檚 Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 馃槝 You got this 馃挭
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let鈥檚 find out
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
