Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.


I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.


[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week


If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.


My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times


I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”


Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat