Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ShockTartBionic

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

@Fred_Delicious

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

@Philosopherbing

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@glum_and_fun

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@brendohare

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

@Jandalize

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

@CafeinatedBacon

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

@VodkaShorebird

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

@thisbrokeme

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat