Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

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INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.


I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.


Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.


*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1


7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.


Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color


Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.


Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.


I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.


My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.