Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
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My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”