Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.