Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
a god among men
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.