Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
You Might Also Like
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito