just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
🖤✌🏽
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.