Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try