Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Life hack
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!