Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
This fish is cracking me up
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
This hospital has everything
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
looks legit
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?