Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
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“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?