Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Boom, boom, ching!

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

notice

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.