Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..