Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Thursday Thought.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.