Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I feel it
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.