Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain