Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.