Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories