Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.