Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
that colleague who touches your screen
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!