Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…