Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.