Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
pls suprot
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck