Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Put a ring on it

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

With this onion ring, I thee fed

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”