@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

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@Parentpains

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@KalvinMacleod

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

@ronnui_

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

@TheWeirdWorld

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

@minnie_in_pink7

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@UNDEADTRESOR

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.