@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

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@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@AnOrangeSNES

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@House_Feminist

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

@noog

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

@imdaintyaf

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

@mrjohndarby

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.