Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice


I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.


Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on


There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.


Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am


Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”


“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”


I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.


Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.