Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?