@CulturedRuffian

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

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@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@CulturedRuffian

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@TheTweetOfGod

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

@fightforfood

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@egg_dog

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@aka_fatman

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

@dlockw21

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?