Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job