just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.