Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.