Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Aight bet
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.