Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.