Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe