@Kyle_Lippert

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

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@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@JB4Realz

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

@murrman5

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@danisbadatthis

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

@iamdevloper

Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.