Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
You Might Also Like
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Sheep
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no