Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Yes, this is exactly right
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’