Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Brother?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I鈥檓 here to tell you that you鈥檒l keep the people who matter most. What you鈥檒l miss are the restaurants.
Omg 馃ぃ
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Sam can鈥檛 find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Me: what鈥檚 in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Marriage may be hard but at least you don鈥檛 have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark鈥ust ask my father-in-law.